Mary and the Vicar

                                  I am not a fucking octopus

                                         oh i thought u were a fucking cricket 

JONNY: ha ha , you hiding me to your friends . Am I the Black Ship ? shame on Gail

GAIL: talking to Mary Goggin.About rice. No news yet

GAIL: Rice and lentles……………

JONNY: yummy , cheap and nice - Lentles and rice

JONNY: where is my little Mary ? with you ? on phone ?

GAIL: yep she's coming for lunch one day this week

                                           MARY AND THE VICAR

 JONNY: supply secret gossips

GAIL: can't tell u secrets,  u r dangerous

JONNY: let secrets come out the Dark House, through the chimney

JONNY: was Goggin a nun once ?

GAIL: never

JONNY: did she rape pupils ?

GAIL: not sure

JONNY: sister Peepy Mary

GAIL: she liked vicars

JONNY: did she confess her sins to Vicar ?

GAIL: maybe she sinned with him

JONNY: and got spanked by the Vicar for her sins ?

GAIL: wasn't there, maybe

GAIL: they sinned together

JONNY: no Holy Marys, lower your pants Goggin

GAIL: were to be married

JONNY: In that little wooden room ? confessionale

GAIL: maybe

GAIL: but he left her for a younger woman

JONNY: Vicar went to his bishop begging to be freed?

GAIL: went back to England and married straight away

JONNY: where all this happened ? down that little village where Goggin was born ?

JONNY: did Goggin try to commit suicide ?

GAIL: in Scily a few years ago

JONNY: a FEW years ago? uhmmm was the vicar an English catholic one ?

GAIL: English protestant

GAIL: he was here in the english church

GAIL: Anglican

JONNY: oh Mary !!! a double sinner you are. Hunting for a protestant vicar

JONNY: what was the man's name ? father Brown?

JONNY: how did they meet ?

GAIL: can't remember, horrible dirty man with a horrible dirty dog that peed everywhere

GAIL: dirty tie

GAIL: full of dinner drips

GAIL: gravy

GAIL: ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggg

GAIL: dirty tie

GAIL: all vicars have dirty ties

JONNY: why didn't he take Mary then ? did he met some rich spinster from England ?

JONNY: a spinster with a villa and a large garden with many trees for the vicar's dog

GAIL: yes, he took poor Mary for a ride

JONNY: that's why Pope forbids tie and marriage to his priests. Dirty stuff.

JONNY: perhaps the vicar's dog didn't like Mary and threatened to leave . Either me or Mary- said the dog. JONNY: What was that dog's name ?

GAIL: boooooooooooooooooooooo

GAIL: didn't like ipocrite vicar or his dog

GAIL: not at all a man of God

JONNY: Call Goggin and ask dog’s name. Tell her you are short of sugar

GAIL: well it's true,,but Goggin won't have any sugar

JONNY: what kind of a vicar he was ? and did he shake hands outdoor on Sundays?

GAIL: took service only on Sundays

GAIL: went to sea with Mary

GAIL: nasty man

JONNY: Goggin to Vicar at tea time - How many spoons, dear? ask whatever , I am giving you none-

GAIL: yep

JONNY: I coould never been a protestant. Fucking vicars shake dirty hands all time on Sundays

JONNY: And one day the vicar had enough of lentles

JONNY: I wonder how could Goggin be the wife of a Vicar. They are supposed to give their money to the poor . She would pretend she couldn't find a single poor to give her money in all town.

GAIL: Goggin is catholic

GAIL: maybe

JONNY: but she was supposed to convert . I presume

GAIL: seems all the people I know who have a wicked streak in them are religious, have

JONNY: good  Archibishop Of Canterbury wouldn't allow a mixed marriage

GAIL: maybe for this he abbandoned her

GAIL: an English woman did her best to grab him, she mangaged as well, in a few months

JONNY: I am astonished. English and Irish females love dirty ties

JONNY: all maniacs

GAIL: ugggggggggggg

JONNY: religiuos maniacs

GAIL: going for dinner

GAIL: rice and lentles

GAIL: chicken

     DO A CAULIFLOWER CHEESE

 
JONNY: who's taking care of you?
JONNY: Goggin? 
GAIL: actually Goggin has been to see me twice
GAIL: she has repented
GAIL: she wants to go to heaven
 GAIL: She  brought me a white cauliflower yesterday
 GAIL: wanna come to dinner?
JONNY: lentles ?
GAIL: next time maybe
JONNY: I just bought a green cauliflower, teach recipe

GAIL: do a cauliflower cheese

JONNY: what cheese ?
GAIL: tastey, cheddar
JONNY: shall I boil the cauli ?
GAIL: yes
GAIL: in florettes
JONNY: cheddar
GAIL: put in pan
GAIL: make cheese sauce
JONNY: cheese in slices?
GAIL: with milk and chese and a little bit a flour to thicken
JONNY: what's a cheese sauce ???
GAIL: ahhhhhhhhhhhh
JONNY: add the sauce to cauli
 GAIL: put grayed chees in pan with milk and flour stir till boils add salt and pepper to taste
GAIL: grated
GAIL: cheese
GAIL: pour onto cauliflower
 GAIL: put in oven to brown
GAIL: yummy
JONNY: all together we brown
 GAIL: pur cheese sauce on top of cauli
GAIL: pour
 GAIL: put in oven to brown you thick man
………………….

JONNY: what fucking papers Goggin wants to be translated ?
GAIL: porno
GAIL: bums
JONNY: personal use ?
GAIL: yep
JONNY: to be published ?
JONNY: personal
GAIL: don't publish this, I 'll kill you

 

                                          MY LORD, SHE CALLED ME A FUCKING WHORE

GAIL- good morning well u cycling,  it is sunny today
GAIL - -wot about with u
JONNY-arrgghhhhh  cloudyyyyyyyyyy
JONNY-for now
GAIL - -come to sunny Gail
JONNY-Goggin did not repent enough . We pay in clouds for her sins
GAIL - -wot r yr sunday plans
JONNY-waiting for the sun ..i want to cycleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
GAIL - -bad forcast 4 u
GAIL - -rain rain rain
GAIL - -yesterday they were swimming from Mondello beach..very hot day

........................... 

GAIL - a sock?
GAIL - -Hey! Put a sock in it!
GAIL - -yeeeeeeeeeeeeee i guess so
JONNY-want some to mend ?
JONNY-hole ready for you
GAIL - -nop
GAIL - -throw away
GAIL - -don't be such a miser
GAIL - -u sew it
JONNY-socks were made by god to be mended
GAIL - -by you
GAIL - -by the owner
GAIL - -lazy man
JONNY-when adam sow and Eve mend ..remenber ?
JONNY-mending keeps a woman busy
GAIL - -u sowwwwwwwwwwww wheat grain barley cabbages
GAIL - -but u sewwwwwwwwwwwwwww socks idiot
GAIL - -get it?
JONNY-drop it
JONNY-good biking socks are fucking expensive
JONNY-need low paid manpower to mend
JONNY-apply
GAIL - -sold house ..buy socks
JONNY-tell me about your previous mending experience
GAIL - -pay wifey
GAIL - -don't mend
GAIL - -no men, no socks
GAIL - -mine go in the bin
GAIL - -must send to Jonny to mend ok?
JONNY-I lost my needle in a straw hat
GAIL - -good excuse
GAIL - -mine in a haystack
JONNY-why do they write -DO NOT BEND - on envelopes ?
GAIL - -booooooooooooooooo -cause they don't go through machine well
JONNY-else the Postman will pinch your bum
 ……………

GAIL - -waiting for fucking postman to bring me my Afghanistan scarf..he's stolen it
 
………………..
JONNY-what did the cup say to the coffee-machine? 
GAIL - -cup said fill it up man
JONNY-cup said – drop it
GAIL - -into the cup
GAIL - -fill me up
……………..
GAIL - -my God. how do i get the window of yahoo smaller now?
GAIL - -tell me how to get smaller
GAIL - -its on whole screen
JONNY-join Alice in wonderland
JONNY-through the key hole
JONNY-drink pigmean juice
JONNY-knock your head with a hammer
JONNY-cut your legs
GAIL - -come on Jonni I need help
JONNY-More ?
GAIL - -yep
GAIL - -still big I want it smaller
JONNY-you are small on my screen
GAIL - -doesn't change
GAIL - -well better close down yahoo and get back in
GAIL - -ok done it
GAIL - -u have a different version from me
GAIL - -every time
GAIL - -what u got the latest or the oldest
JONNY-same
GAIL - -here tells me everytime u have a different version from me
JONNY-It ' s because I am living in the North
GAIL - -ha ha
………………………
GAIL - dark?
GAIL - -sunny here
GAIL - -yr in the wrong place in the world
GAIL - -catch a plane
JONNY-I thought I were
JONNY-Introduce me the girla first
GAIL - -wots wrong with me
JONNY-throw an on line party
JONNY-I am a man of experience
GAIL - u throw me away?
JONNY-I want alternatives when you start boring me
JONNY-Jony do this
JONNY-Jonny do that
GAIL - -ah start,,so I haven't yet?
JONNY-Jonny take a walk
JONNY-Jonny let me watch sopa opera
JONNY-no soccer
GAIL – I like soccer
JONNY-no spaghetti tonight
GAIL - -fresh food not pasta
JONNY-I want alternatives
JONNY-runaways
GAIL - -u can run away from me
JONNY-one woman all time may be dangerous for my wellfare
GAIL - -u can't keep up the pace..that's wots wrong with u
JONNY-where to shelter in the run away ?
GAIL - -women too resistant
JONNY-need chicks
GAIL - Jonny not hahaha
JONNY-they will show simpathy
JONNY—Oh, that Gail is really thick
GAIL - -poor JONNY needs simpathy
JONNY-
JONNY-- Did she cook pies for you ?
GAIL - -
JONNY-Rest on my bum - will say Mary Goggin
JONNY-eat my spaghetti - will say lthe anlady
GAIL - -
GAIL - -u r spaghetti crazy
JONNY-who will suck my toes ?
GAIL - -um like that
JONNY-time ago I send Goggin a sketch showing a woman on her knees cleaning a resting man's shoes
GAIL - -no wonder she clikked out
JONNY-Gggin got no sense of humour
GAIL - -right
GAIL - -maybe she'll come today to  me
 GAIL - -want to send her a message?
GAIL - -a kiss?
GAIL - -a banana
JONNY-lentles and fried sausage
GAIL - -a sausage
JONNY-yummy
GAIL - -she doesn't buy meat
GAIL - -only eats it in other people's houses
GAIL - -mine for example
JONNY-serve her a sausage for lunch
 GAIL - -only scallopine today
GAIL - -plus veg
JONNY-and what for Mary ?
JONNY-cabbage ?
 GAIL - -minestra
JONNY-beans ?
GAIL - -mixed
JONNY-assorted
GAIL - -yep
GAIL - -findus
JONNY-frozen minestrone
 GAIL - -not minestra
JONNY-minestrone will slim her bum
JONNY-this is the message
GAIL - -go ahead
GAIL - -ok
GAIL - -got it

….
 
GAIL - -Mary no glasses
 GAIL - -blue eyes
GAIL - -pretty face
GAIL - -but bad temper
JONNY-I like to spank ladies with a bad temper
GAIL - -she'd like it
 JONNY-let her read this conversation and add comments
GAIL - -not the type
GAIL - -no time for stupid things like that
GAIL - -she needs intelligent conversation
GAIL - -she's being sued at the moment
GAIL - -want to now why
GAIL - -walking down the street Goggin bumped into her x's wife, she threw a few swear words at her..now the woman is sueing her heheheh
 GAIL - -getting a lawyer
GAIL - -she's uptight
JONNY-tell me everything about Mary and her rival , I want to write the story
JONNY-serious
GAIL - -believe she's a culprit
JONNY-you would edit the stuff
GAIL - -no
JONNY-yeeessssssssssssssss
JONNY-pleasseeeeeeeeeeee
GAIL - -private life of Goggin

JONNY-no real names
JONNY-Eleanor Brown
JONNY-Telllll 

GAIL - -liar
JONNY-promiseeeeeeeeeee
GAIL - -6 year old story coming into the court cases now
JONNY-6 years ago Mary met her rival ...
GAIL - -she said in the street to this lady fucking whore,,now being sued
GAIL - -must be a wittness
GAIL - -Goggin mad
JONNY-what did she exatly say? Quote
GAIL - -said she didn't say a thing..liar for me
GAIL - -court case going ahead now
JONNY-I am a court expert . need an advisor ? detective ? witness
GAIL - -she's found an advisor
JONNY-I'll swear Mary was with me
GAIL - -she's guilty for me
GAIL – Goggin always uses fucking
 JONNY-fucking not considered an insult in Sicily
GAIL - -in English it is
JONNY-so. She has got and advisor and looking for a lawyer
GAIL - -she spoke in English
JONNY-judge does not speak English
GAIL - -she's got a lawyer friend
GAIL - -she's no witness
JONNY-what was the advice ?
GAIL - -but I bet will find a false one
JONNY-I WOULD witness
GAIL - -don't know any more
GAIL - -she's guilty...why defend her
JONNY-she will guest me chez jasmine at I'll witness whatever
GAIL - -liar too
GAIL - -u r all false
JONNY-I will be her white night
JONNY-lentles for life
GAIL - -big deal
JONNY-I am serious
 GAIL - -so am I
JONNY-who can swear I was not with poor Mary?
GAIL - -meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
JONNY--Your honour - Little Mary Goggin and I were walking hand in hand , when this common woman -just passed bye   
 GAIL - Ggoggin threw out swear words
GAIL - -just like her
JONNY-She started to insult us, the common woman
GAIL - -nooooooooooooo
GAIL - -don't lie
JONNY-she called my poor Mary a Green Bitch
JONNY-true
JONNY-and last but not least
JONNY-she threatened Mary  with a second-hand pink unbrella
GAIL - -well that's yr story
JONNY-(during my witness Mary would sob all time )
GAIL - -doesn't sob
GAIL - -no tears
JONNY-tell Goggin to save her money, no advisor, no lawyer
JONNY-I'll fix the court
GAIL - fibber
 

GAIL: how's  the sore throat?

GAIL: drink salt

GAIL: gargle

GAIL: lemon

GAIL: ace

GAIL: vodka

GAIL: spirit

GAIL: ahcohol

GAIL: alcohol

JONNY: Goggin jailed?

GAIL: ahhhhhhhhhhh

GAIL: i'll take her some lentles

JONNY: I couldn't sleep thinking of Goggin in jail

JONNY: we should raise money to offer to that woman's family

JONNY: give latest news

GAIL: don't u know who the woman is?

GAIL: cost u lots to know the answer

Mary and I                                 recommendation          Mary and I   

Johnny, sorry, forget half the previous letter

It is awfully kind of you to provide me with this recommendation for entry into Heaven. What good luck...encountering a person like yourself able to provide a nonentity like myself with a personal introduction to St. Peter. Yes, I do realize they are sending a whole lot of people to Hell these days, and without a raccomandazione I hate to think what would happen to the likes of me.

I assure you there is no danger whatsoever tthat you will find a picture of my bum on this engineer's bike...I reckon he would have a hard time getting up on a bike in the first place. So you can put your rifle back where it came from.

The engineer and his missus have invited me to lunch at their home by the sea tomorrow, so we shall see what happens. However, I shall certainly propose sending you a chapter on file and seeing if it is a feasible proposition.

Now that I know there is a chance of a place in Heaven, if I behave myself, I feel so much better...a real weight off my mind. How can I thank you?

Bi...m.c.g.

Mary Goggin                                     Good Morning

Mary Goggin                                    With regard to friendship

Mary and I                                       on ladies' posteriors

Sorry,

Can't call you, as I fear you would engage me in conversation on ladies' posteriors, in which my interest level is relatively low at the moment.   Have a nice trip anyway.

m.c.g.Mary Goggin

              MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL

Who’s the craziest of us all?

CRAZYCRICKET - You don't believe such things may happen until they happen to you, I am a cricket , I have been transformed into a cricket. Glue&Leather, the shoemaker, said I ordered six little boots.  Help. Creek  creek   

Princess - Transformed into a cricket?

CRAZYCRICKET - I wouldn't believe it, until the maid at restaurant said -How would you like our leaves, fresh or dry?-

Princess - Gulp

Princess - But what are you talking about? Some kind of Kafka's tale?

 CRAZYCRICKET - And see what, I was never able to sing.

Princess - How come?

CRAZYCRICKET - How come? I was never able to sing before, because I was never a cricket before. And now I am requested to chirp.

 Princess - Now you must to get used to...

CRAZYCRICKET - How do crickets make love? A lady-cricket is peeping at me.

Princess - I have no idea.

CRAZYCRICKET - Ask some cricket in your garden. You got plenty of crickets in Australia.

Princess - I'm not in Australia, and I don't have a garden either.

CRAZYCRICKET – Sorry, I am lost then.

Princess - Try to ask your lady cricket...

CRAZYCRICKET - Are you crazy?

 Princess - Why? Don't you think she knows what to do?

 CRAZYCRICKET -   Lady cricket is making strange things ...

Princess - So ask her.

Princess - Tell her that it's your first time.

CRAZYCRICKET - I do not know what to do. I presume she has expectations.

Princess - I'm sure she will be nice and give you her support.

CRAZYCRICKET - Do you think I should sing?

Princess - Ladies adore newbies...

Princess - You'd better exchange sexy glances...

CRAZYCRICKET - See what ,,I'll pretend I am monk-cricket, else she won't believe I am a newby

Princess - Why not? Don't be afraid...

CRAZYCRICKET - She wants me to chomp some strange leaves

Princess - Try it...

CRAZYCRICKET - She said I do not look like a newby, she is getting angry.

Princess - So bite her...

CRAZYCRICKET - She thinks I do not like her

Princess - She will be delightful...  and delighted.

CRAZYCRICKET - You mean just some lovely bites.. or I have to eat her?

Princess - Lovely bites, obvious...

CRAZYCRICKET - She is making some strange noise, crooky creeky.

 Princess - I'm beginnig to think you are actually a newby,,, indeed!  Don't care about strange noises... - It's normal among crickets.

 CRAZYCRICKET - Perhaps she is waiting for a reply.

Princess - Are you biting her?

CRAZYCRICKET - CANNOT BELIEVE !!!! she dared .......

Princess - what ?What?

CRAZYCRICKET - She dared to ask me a present before....

Princess - Before what?

CRAZYCRICKET - I do not know, remember I am a newby.

Princess - What kind of present?

CRAZYCRICKET - God knows what lady-crickets want.

Princess - Try something...

CRAZYCRICKET - I am scratching her back, screekyyyyyyyy  scookyyyyyy. Horrible

Princess - Gulp

CRAZYCRICKET - I need romance.

Princess - Does she seem happy at least?

 CRAZYCRICKET – No. I will never be able to make love with a lady-cricket.

She said -You drop fucking scratching my back and gimmi a present.-

Princess - So give up... and try to find a young princess to kiss you. Maybe it works...- At least it worked with the frog.

CRAZYCRICKET - Listen. I want to be a man again, ladies do not ask any present to men, only lady-crickets do.

Princess - So do what I told you.

 CRAZYCRICKET - Are you a princess?

 Princess - So so...

CRAZYCRICKET - Gimmi me a so-so kiss please

Princess - A sort of...smack.

 CRAZYCRICKET - KISS ME quick

Princess - I did it

CRAZYCRICKET - Do it more , it didn't work .You not a princess, you are working at McDonald.

Princess - Smack, smack

 CRAZYCRICKET - Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh - I A MAN, but ....

Princess - At last!!!!!!!!!!

CRAZYCRICKET - A newby of course

Princess -  Interesting,

 CRAZYCRICKET - May I ask you a favour ? can you teach me how to make love ? ladies won't believe I am a newby

Princess - But I'm a frog...

CRAZYCRICKET - They will break my head with their handbag.

Princess - Poor cricket.

CRAZYCRICKET - And now

Princess - And now...

CRAZYCRICKET - I am kissing you

Princess - Oh.

CRAZYCRICKET – You will be again a lady. And will teach me....

CRAZYCRICKET - SMAACKKKKKKK

Princess - Closing my,  yes. 1, 2. 3…. - YESSSSSSSSSSSSS

CRAZYCRICKET – Uhmmmmmmm,  I though I sought a pretty doll.

Princess - I'm a lady again!!!!!!!! Thank u...

CRAZYCRICKET - An American dream.

CRAZYCRICKET -  Now……

Princess - Now...?

CRAZYCRICKET - How to make love in 5 lessons. First lesson ?

Princess - But I'm a newbyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

CRAZYCRICKET - Oh my God ...you are right ...

Princess - So sorry...

CRAZYCRICKET - Well, let us help each other.

Princess - What do you mean?

CRAZYCRICKET - Do you think It starts from toes?

Princess - Perhaps...  - All of them at the same time? - My toes or yours?

CRAZYCRICKET - I think we should start from big-toe.

Princess - Left or right one?

CRAZYCRICKET - I do not know ..what do you think ?

Princess - Let's see... The right one?

CRAZYCRICKET - Well let us try your right big toe...

Princess - And what should I do with it?

CRAZYCRICKET - Nothing , I'll work on it.

Princess - Great... - So do it

CRAZYCRICKET - Take off shoes and socks. I presume you have to.

 Princess -  Done. I'm barefoot.

CRAZYCRICKET - Well, well. Perhaps I have to kiss it

CRAZYCRICKET-– Smacckkkk. Did you like it?

Princess - Nice

CRAZYCRICKET - And now?

Princess - Was it nice for you too?

CRAZYCRICKET - Uhhmmmmm,  yep.

Princess - So let's try to put our big toes together...  Maybe it works.

CRAZYCRICKET - I heard crickets do it too.

Princess - Ah... so I think we're doing the right thing!

CRAZYCRICKET - Shall I bite you?

 Princess - In general what's good for crickets is good for human beings...

Princess - At least my grandma used to say so...

 CRAZYCRICKET - You gotta chomp leaves- used to say granpa to her.

Princess - Your granpa knew my grandma?!  What a coincidence...

CRAZYCRICKET - Crickets know each other.

Princess - Do you think we could be cousins?

CRAZYCRICKET - What do you thing working on your leg know, or else would you prefer to kiss my bigtoe?

Princess - Maybe your granpa was dating my granma...

CRAZYCRICKET -  A of mine was a cricket-pilgrim on Mayflower. - Virginian Cricket.

Princess - So you belong to a traditional family...  - Do you believe we could be cousins?

CRAZYCRICKET - Yep

Princess - If it's so, I'm afraid we cannot have some kind of incestuous relationship...

CRAZYCRICKET - We could stop at knee.

Princess - Are you sure?

Princess - No danger of becoming pregnant?

CRAZYCRICKET - I'll investigate further.

Princess - I'm very straight... you know.

 CRAZYCRICKET - I heard in Alaska they clutch their noses.

Princess - What do you think about something more tantric?

CRAZYCRICKET - I saw a movie. Clark Gable kissing a lady on her lips. Strange. Would you try it?

Princess - Yes, yes...

Princess - And what about my big toe? Should I forget it?

CRAZYCRICKET - Would you like to have it sucked? Big-toe sucking.

Princess - But I don't want to get pregnant, ok?

CRAZYCRICKET - See what ... wear long pants, I think it may prevent big-toe-pregnancy.

Princess - OK

Princess - Anyway, pay attention...  Don't do anything wrong...

CRAZYCRICKET - I have an idea.

Princess - ...

CRAZYCRICKET - I remember my grandma suggesting something about ass-hole fucking to prevent any pregnancy, shall I put my big-toe inside your pink rear taboo?

                                                           MY LOVE GAVE ME AN UMBRELLA

 Crazycricket - I am Gipsy-Cricket wearing a red handkerchief and singing violin in the snow, it is winter, when all crickets die

Princess - Winter? Really crazy you...

Crazycricket - But  I will not die, since my love, Princess Alice, gave me six little boots, a raincoat and an umbrella

 I am Gypsy-Cricket wearing a red handkerchief and singing violin at the restaurant down the corner. Hubby and Wifey will give up divorce after she hears my wistful song .