Not on my ass

Are you a ..... 123

I was with a friend buying a copy of a Shakespeare play that I'm going to be teaching next semester. The boy behind the counter had long hair and glasses, and a bit of a John Lennon aura about him. When I put the book down on the counter he smiled and said, in a meek voice,

"Are you a lesbian?"

"A who to the what-now?!!" I said.

"A lesbian, a lesbian, are you a lesbian?"

"No. What the hell are you talking about?"

"Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I guess I just assumed that, because you are buying a copy of Shakespeare, you must be..."

"Look at my bald head. That should have been your first clue. Look - just give me my book. I really don't need this in my life right now."

The boy was nonplussed, and he dropped my book into a plastic bag and told me that he hoped I would enjoy my day. Unfortunately, being mistaken for a gay woman kind of put the old kibosh on that.

On the way out, my friend looked at me and said, "Derek, you know what a thespian is, don't you?"

"He said thespian?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

"Not lesbian."

"...So what's a thespian again?"

Although Dubai is relatively crime free, backdoor burglary is an uncomfortable, yet common occurrence in our vibrant city. Despite it being a religious taboo, anal sex is almost a cultural norm - with gender being the only variable.

We've always known that there are three types of men: the boob men, the leg men and the ass men. Dubai is dominated by ass men and if you've found yourself with a man who is fascinated with your rear airbags - there's a strong chance you've landed yourself an analizer. While we can deal with men who are fixated on various other body parts – we're not open to obsessions with our winking walnuts.sex and dubai

Irritant No.1: Why does every sexual encounter have to include a bit of saliva hastily slapped on the tips of your fingers? Spitting is bad manners. Didn't your parents teach you that?!!!!

Just for the record - saliva is NOT lubricant. And applying it to our nether regions is not going to help your cause in anyway. Infact it accelerates the evaporation of any moisture that might happen to be there to begin with.

How would you react if your woman spat into her palms, rubbed them and proceeded to give you a hand job - thinking this would make things go smoother. Doesn't work does it?

Being a Guy is Hard . Finally, a woman who understands

Not On My Ass

Guys, I owe you an apology

I used to scoff and roll my eyes when you went on and on about how women were so different and complicated. I probably even told a few of you to fuck off when you got going on that. I wrote it off as simple chauvinism. But then I had an experience that changed my perspective: I tried to have sex with a woman.

My first experience was with a life-long lesbian, and, given her experience and comfort with the whole thing, she took the lead. I wasn't really aware of that because, as a life-long heterosexual, it didn't play out all that differently from the encounters I'd had with men (until we started touching each other, that is). A few months later I met Jen through a mutual friend. Jen and I had a lot in common and as we chatted we learned we had something very interesting in common: we both wanted to have sex with another woman. This revelation came very early in our friendship, and we were obviously attracted to each other, so it seemed inevitable we would end up in bed together. Jen had never been with a woman before, though, so as the more experienced person I ended up taking the lead, taking the male role.

So there we were, two young, healthy, horny women, hot for each other. I figured getting her naked would be no big deal. Was I fucking mistaken. We went on date after date, talking endlessly about who knows what. The whole time I couldn't relax - I kept trying to read her signals, what she said, her body language, trying to figure out if tonight would be the night. It was very strange - I usually loved talking with girlfriends, but this just made me feel exhausted and stupid. What was I doing wrong? Why couldn't I make it happen? And then it dawned on me: this is what guys do ALL THE TIME.

So we did eventually do it, and we had a great time. I thought after that I would be more relaxed, but I was wrong again. It did get easier with each successive encounter, but only slightly. I still felt that pressure to read her mind. Only after 3 or 4 times did I finally feel comfortable with her, and then she moved out of town. We still email and see each other occasionally.

So guys, I have seen into your world, and I can say now, you definitely have it tougher than we do. I feel your pain. And ladies, if you're reading this, go easy on them. If you want to get it on, just let them know. They're killing themselves trying to figure it out. And that's just getting in the way of some potentially good fucking.