I have two things: a lot of time
and a lot of opinions. Kyiv has several things: among them, a
lot of bad restaurants and strippers. While there are plenty
of people who are more qualified than me to comment on strip
shows, there are probably few people who eat out as much as I
do (three meals a day, much to the dismay of the Producer and
our bank account. It's not my fault he's not here to cook for
me. Oh, wait, yes it is).
I sense a niche.
I'm going to start reviewing
restaurants. Giddyup!
Let me outline a few of my
biases first.
-
Ukraine has plenty of charms;
its food is not one of them. While I appreciate the value of
eating locally in theory, I don't do it regularly. It's too
fatty, it's too bland and salo (the ubiquitous hog backfat)
is appalling. If I find one, I may review a place that
serves "good Ukrainian food," but don't complain about the
dearth of local places.
-
I don't eat seafood where
there's no sea or reliable refrigeration. That means about
50% of the menu in most places off limits, since sushi is
au courant. Any
respectable (notice how I didn't say "good") Mexican
restaurant in Kyiv has a sushi menu.
-
I have a really hard time
yelling "devushka!" (which translates literally to "girl")
across the restaurant to get a waitress's attention. I
KNOW it's SOP and more like "ma'am" in practice but we
Americans are conditioned to be polite to the help.
-
I wasn't here ten years ago or
five years ago or even one year ago. Of COURSE there are a
lot more now. But "better than it was before" is not a good
standard against which to judge the current crop of
mediocrity.
-
I probably will not bother
with the super-high end joints, unless my sugar daddy is
buying.
People say "surely restaurants
in Kyiv are better than in Baku!" Actually, they are not and I
have a theory why.
Azeris generally do not eat out,
either out of custom or financial necessity and when they do,
it's in national-style restaurants with floor shows, not
foreign establishments. Still, there are dozens of
western-style restaurants in Baku and many of them are decent
in terms of quality, value and service.
I attribute this to the fact
that foreigners are still the primary clientele in Baku. Drunk
rigmonkeys have high standards. Pity the server who snarls
over the beer or the kitchen slow to serve up the bangers and
mash. We frequently boycotted places with exceptionally bad
service (Fisherman's, anyone? They say it's better now with
new management, but last time I was there it was as bad as
ever) because there were plenty of other options.
In contrast, restaurants in Kyiv
are for Ukrainians (as they should be) who perhaps aren't
quite as aware of recent advances in the service industry.
There are lots of places here that wouldn't look out of place
in a western capital, but they badly mangle translations of
foreign specialities (it's called "fusion"). Futhermore, if
you're in a hurry, it's a good idea to ask for the check when
you order. Factor in the Oligarch aesthetic (expensive,
overdesigned=good) and you have a city full of culinary train
wrecks. You can't boycott places with bad service or crappy,
overpriced food either, or you'd starve. Debates rage over
whether to tip or not: foreigners are expected to, but why
encourage bad behavior?
There are exceptions, of course,
and I will do my best to point them out. Suggestions?
Pass 'em along. Difference of opinion? I probably won't care.
And let's be clear here. You
think I can't be bought? Try me.
I learned something else about neighborhood life
While I was looking at the Bosphorus through the gaps
between the apartment buildings of Cihangir, I learned something else
about neighborhood life: There must always be a center (usually a
shop) where all the gossip is gathered, interpreted, and assessed. In
Cihangir this center was the grocery store on the ground floor of our
apartment building. The grocer was Greek (like most of the other
families living in the apartments above him); if you wanted to buy
anything from Ugor, you'd lower a basket from your floor and then
shout down your order. Years later, when we moved into the same
building, my mother, who found it unbecoming to shout down to the
grocer every time she wanted bread or eggs, preferred to write her
order down on paper and send it down in a basket much more stylish
than those used by our neighbors.CARPETBLOGGER
